Archive for June, 2010

The Anger Ball vs. Wednesday: Pt. 6

I figured I’d start up the blog again with a light post, so Wednesday seemed like a good day to resume. Today was the first Wednesday working from my new home office, and it was glorious.

At first I was going to call this another victory in my favor, believing that I had successfully vanquished Wednesday yet again, but alas, she has snuck back in at the last minute and executed a more subtle attack against me. She must have been planning this for days, for it is the most wily of foes: fatigue. But she has managed to sap both my energy and my motivation despite my strong showing at the start.

So I thusly declare today another draw. But now that I have the benefit of a home office on my side, I’d say that Wednesday’s chances of an outright victory have decreased substantially. That in and of itself is its own victory.

The Anger Ball: 3
Wednesday: 1

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Physical exertion is exhausting

You know what sucks?

Packing and moving.

You know what totally makes it worth it?

Getting the hell out of this cesspool city.

That’s right! The Anger Ball is packing up and moving this weekend, so I’ll be MIA Friday and possibly Monday too. But don’t you worry, dear readers. I will return with plenty of rage. People everywhere do stupid things all the time, and I will be around to rant about it. Even if I won’t be living in the thick of idiocy anymore, I’ve got enough anger saved up from years gone by that this blog will never run dry.

The Anger Ball vs. Wednesday: Pt. 5

Please excuse me for a minute while I do an EPIC VICTORY DANCE.

I thought I had a pretty good showing against Wednesday LAST week, but today blew that victory right out of the water, let me tell you. Not only did I totally hand Wednesday her ass at work, I also did it in my personal life. I sent her sorry ass home crying to her mother. I dished out some serious hurt on her today.

Maybe she’ll think twice before coming around again next week to try and bully me. Maybe this marks a turn in luck for The Anger Ball!

Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The only problem with the ass kicking I delivered to Wednesday today is that she’ll most likely return with a vengeance in the near future. True to form, she might even save it up for a few weeks, bide her time, lull me into a false sense of security and then strike me down with a force unseen before.

But for now, I’m going to do my fucking victory dance all over the place while Wednesday cries herself to sleep.

The Anger Ball: 3
Wednesday: 1

Cell phones are dangerous to public health

Because they make me want to punch people. This is clearly dangerous to the general population.

Don’t misunderstand me. I own and use a cell phone every day. In fact, I don’t even have a house phone anymore. The cell phone is my primary line. But I fucking have some decency when I use the damn thing. For example, I don’t use it in public restrooms.

The idea of talking on the phone while I am on the toilet makes me physically ill. It’s fucking gross, people. But you know what? If you want to do it in the privacy of your own home, that’s none of my damned business. Have a fucking teleconference while you’re taking a dump if you want; I don’t care as long as I’m not participating in that teleconference. But when you are in the office, it is NEVER OKAY TO TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHEN YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM. NEVER. There is no phone call important enough to justify this. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually using the bathroom or just in there loitering to talk on your phone. It is NOT APPROPRIATE in either instance. Because even if you aren’t using the bathroom, other people are. Maybe multiple people, since there’s more than one stall. In fact, that’s even MORE creepy than if you were using the toilet too. Instead, you’re talking to your friend on the phone and possibly transmitting the sounds of other people’s bathroom use. ISN’T THAT GROSS?! Even thinking about it feels gross. So just cut it the fuck out. Our office has a lobby for you to go take your personal calls in. Let me do my fucking bathroom business in peace.

Another thing I don’t do with my cell phone: Have loud conversations in public.

Breaking news: Nobody wants to hear your whole conversation, not to mention only your half of the conversation. It’s bad enough having to listen to some of the dumbass things people choose to say aloud when they’re with their friends. I don’t want to hear the dumbass things you’re saying over your phone. I understand that sometimes people do need to take a call in public for whatever reason, but there is never a need to fucking yell into the phone, for one. And for two, about 75% of the people who answer phones in public don’t need to. Ever. Few people are actually that important. Deal with it. Personally, I don’t want 100 strangers hearing any part of my conversation, no matter how inane it is. I wish other people felt the same way. But everyone thinks they’re so fucking important, so of course they’re always going to answer their phone. You’re not fooling anyone, though. Nobody thinks you’re cool or popular. Especially if you don’t have an indoor or private voice. If you’re talking so loud that everyone in the subway car or on the sidewalk can hear you, you need to tone it down. NOBODY ELSE IS AS INTERESTED IN YOUR LIFE AS YOU ARE.

Plus, it’s really hard for me to resist the urge to point out to people when they use a word incorrectly. If they’re talking loud enough for me to hear, I can only assume that they want me to participate in their conversation, but most people don’t seem to appreciate when I try to butt in. IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO PARTICIPATE THEN KEEP YOUR DAMN CONVERSATION TO YOURSELF.

The final cell phone issue I will cover today is: I try to avoid texting or talking on the phone while I’m walking.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Most people cannot even think and breathe at the same time, so trying to talk or text while walking is like doing a triathlon for the average person. Just today, trying to walk from my office to the subway, I nearly kneecapped three people for this offense. It starts out fine; we’re all moving at a reasonable walking pace, and then suddenly the person in front of me almost comes to a dead stop, then starts walking again, then stops. Like they’re a fucking wind-up toy that needs someone to turn the key again. I don’t even have to check anymore; I always know immediately that when someone does this, it means they just pulled out their fucking smart phone or whatever and started checking their e-mail or texting their friend. You know what? Put the fucking phone away until you’re waiting for a crosswalk signal or you’re on your train, because it’s obviously too much of a challenge for you to use technology while walking. There’s a whole fucking world around you that does not revolve around you and your social schedule, so get a fucking move on when you’re in public. Detach yourself from the phone for ten fucking seconds so that you can walk down one city block without looking like you’re having a seizure of some kind. That text message? It can wait. Trust me. It’s for your own good.

I guess most of my problems with people’s cell phone etiquette (because you better believe I have more than the ones covered here) is that they have none. I think cell phones are great, I really do, but I wish people weren’t so fucking addicted to them. They’re always out—on the subway, while people are walking, while they’re talking to a friend face-to-face—it’s obnoxious. Put the fucking thing on silent and stick it in your pocket for an hour. Maybe then you’ll remember how to use your brain again.

Nice try, you lying assholes

Today, friends, we are going to talk about advertisements I see on public transportation. Well, really, we’re going to talk about one ad in particular that pisses me off every fucking time I see it, because they’re trying to capitalize on controversy to sound like they’re being really generous.

The ad is a lie!

Hint: None of those is an alternative to abortion

If you will look to the right, you will see the ad in question. Sorry for the blurry photo, but I was standing at the time and also trying not to get too many people in the photo. I cut out the phone numbers because they are not relevant to my rant, but otherwise this photo is unaltered. If you can’t read it, it says:

FREE ABORTION ALTERNATIVES

  • FREE Confidential Options Counseling
  • FREE Pregnancy Tests
  • FREE Ultrasounds

Doesn’t that sound generous? All of these abortion alternatives are being offered for FREE!!!! It’s so wonderful!

Except for one tiny problem: THOSE ARE NOT ALTERNATIVES TO ABORTION. ARGH.

This ad seriously gives me an aneurysm every time I see it because it is just A FUCKING LIE. I know they did it on purpose to take advantage of people who are pregnant and conflicted about it and to also take advantage of the abortion “controversy” to try and make it seem like they are really generous, offering all these ALTERNATIVES for FREE. I just can’t even believe they’re allowed to put such a blatantly false advertisement out in public.

For those of you still unclear on my qualm, let’s go to Merriam-Webster to get the definition of “alternative”:

Main Entry: 2alternative
Function: noun
Date: 1624

1 a : a proposition or situation offering a choice between two or more things only one of which may be chosen b : an opportunity for deciding between two or more courses or propositions
2 a : one of two or more things, courses, or propositions to be chosen b : something which can be chosen instead <the only alternative to intervention>
3 : alternative rock music

synonyms see choice

That is copied and pasted right from the fucking dictionary website. Now, I like to think most the people reading this have at least two fucking brain cells to rub together, but I’m sure there’s at least one person who still fails to see the problem. So I made a handy flow chart to illustrate:

You're doing it right

As you can see, you have two choices once you are pregnant

If you are pregnant, you only have TWO FUCKING CHOICES. And that is to either to have a baby or to terminate the pregnancy. If you decide to abort, that’s the end of your choices at the moment. If you decide to have the baby, you can then decide to KEEP the baby or put it up for adoption. So now with this wonderful flow chart I created, and the definition of “alternative” provided by Merriam-Webster, any idiot can see that this advertisement is a fucking joke. But let’s break it down even further:

  • FREE Pregnancy Tests

The organization that created this advertisement clearly has no fucking idea of what parallel options or alternatives are. To them, an alternative to abortion is a pregnancy test! That’s interesting, because most women I know don’t think about getting an abortion at all unless they already know they are pregnant. So if you already know you’re fucking pregnant, why would you need a pregnancy test, free or otherwise? YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE PREGNANCY. A PREGNANCY TEST IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION. Jeeze, this one alone is giving me a conniption, it’s just so obviously fucking stupid. Who in their right mind would read that and think this was a good deal? Unless there are women out there who go around constantly thinking about abortions even if they aren’t pregnant, in which case my message to them is: Seek mental help immediately.

  • FREE Ultrasounds

Again, I think it’s pretty obvious that this is not an alternative to abortion. The choice is not “Hm, do I get an abortion or do I get an ultrasound?” It’s “DO I FUCKING HAVE THIS BABY OR NOT?” An ultrasound is irrelevant to that choice. It’s something you get done once you’ve decided to have the baby, or if you go to one of those fucking terrible clinics that make you have an ultrasound before you get an abortion to try and guilt you into keeping a baby you don’t want (but they’ll be damned if they help you out once you have the kid they made you feel guilty for wanting to abort! I don’t even know how those fucking places are allowed to exist, but I digress). It’s once again fucking painfully obvious that this organization is basically going to coerce you into having the baby whether you actually want it or not. Which brings me to the final bullet point:

  • FREE Confidential Options Counseling

Normally, I would say this is a good and beneficial service, because choosing to have a child or not is a big, life-altering decision, and if you are at all uncertain you definitely should talk to someone about it. BUT this organization has made it painfully obvious in less than 100 words on their advertisement that they don’t know anything about “options”. Their goal is to make you keep that baby no matter what, and I’ll bet anything their “counselors” don’t even talk about abortion as a viable option, but rather as a terrible crime. So they can take this “options counseling” and shove it up their fucking stupid asses, because it’s bullshit. If  they’re headlining this advertisement with a false statement that is not backed up by the information listed, I wouldn’t fucking trust these assholes to spell my name correctly, nonetheless try and counsel me on a major life decision.

So, let’s recap:

You're doing it wrong

You are doing it so, so wrong

Abortion, Ultrasound, Pregnancy Test and Counseling are NOT alternatives for one another. They are not alternatives for one another by any definition of the word “alternative” on any fucking planet in the universe. Next time you want to be ignorant, try to make it more subtle, because this is just painfully stupid.

Someone find me a cave immediately

I don’t know what it was about today, but right now I am pretty much raging at everything. It is truly the sneaky hate spiral, which I know I’ve linked to before but it is ESPECIALLY TRUE RIGHT NOW.

Was it because I literally had nothing to do at work and yet had to sit there and look busy for eight fucking hours? Was it because some real life things are NOT GOING HOW THEY SHOULD AND I CAN’T FIX THEM? Was it because I still live in this cesspool of a city surrounded by idiots and assholes 24/7? WHO KNOWS. IT IS A FUCKING MYSTERY. BUT RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I COULD RIP EVERYONE’S FACE OFF AND STILL BE ANGRY. I just yelled at one of my cats like fifty times and I’ve only been home ten minutes. SORRY, CAT, BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BOTHER ME.

I have to say that I didn’t experience a lot of pet peeves at my office today (except for Prom Queen, who is a daily office rage. I know I haven’t written about her yet. I have to plan these things, folks, or I would’ve made 50,000 entries already and would have nothing left to rage about), but having to sit there with nothing to do but look busy in case my boss walked by pretty much drove me crazy. Yeah, I was being paid and shouldn’t be complaining, but I would have prefered doing actual work (CRAZY, I KNOW) or just having the day off. Nothing is worse than being trapped in the office having to pretend you’re doing Very Important Things when you’re actually zoning out thinking of three thousand non-work-related things you could be taking care of in the time you’re wasting by looking busy at work.

This is one of the many reasons I am a huge fan of flexible working hours. Aside from the fact that in my job, my schedule needs to be flexible anyway, I really think that it shouldn’t matter if my 40 hours are done 8:30am-4:30pm or 10:30pm-6:30am as long as my bosses are aware, they know how to get in touch with me, and the quality of my work doesn’t suffer. I would be 100% more efficient and happy this way. SO OF COURSE THAT’S WHY IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

Anyway, so few pet peeves in the office today, but sweet Jesus did I experience roughly four million of my pet peeves on my way home. I know I’ve raged about sidewalks already, but you better believe I had a hundred people run into me despite contorting my body to try and avoid them because they don’t know how to share the damn sidewalk. And my poor eyes were assaulted by so many people’s terrible choice in clothing (Breaking news: I’m sure you’re excited about the World Cup, but soccer jerseys aren’t meant to be worn as dresses. PUT ON SOME FUCKING PANTS). There were people in cars honking at stopped traffic, as if leaning on their horn is magically going to solve the traffic jam. I mean, everyone can see the light is green, asshole, but if there is no place to drive, NO ONE IS GOING TO MOVE. So thanks for trying to solve the problem by honking your horn, but all it’s doing is sending me into a blind rage, and I am a PEDESTRIAN. I will slash your tires if I find you. Then there were the stairs, the subway, the poor cell phone etiquette, people who need to talk at TOP VOLUME to friends who are SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM…

…I think you get the point.

But I’m home now, at least. Not that that stops me from raging, since I’m still subjected to people blasting music from their cars and people fighting outside my window and children screeching for no fucking reason…

…okay, now you really, really get the point.

I reached my fucking limit today, guys. It is miraculous that I managed to get home without killing myself or someone else or just screaming and running into the middle of traffic. I don’t even know. I honestly am constantly raging about something, but it’s not often that I feel like I’ve reached my threshold, where if one more thing happens I am just going to snap. Today was one of those days, though. I’m glad that I have a couple of days to unwind and hole up in my apartment before I have to go back out into the world. I plan to watch numerous hilarious movies (maybe Zoolander to start, in honor of my post yesterday) and generally be a recluse. It will be glorious.

I promise not to kill anybody in a fit of rage.

If I break that promise, I promise to blog about it from jail.

This meeting really taught me how incompetent you are

I’m sure I am not the only one in the world who despises having to attend meetings at work. Although sometimes the time suck that these meetings provide is welcome, the excruciating pain of idiocy is never pleasant. I have never been to an office meeting that was efficient and informative. I’m not even asking them to be interesting or entertaining.

I would just like for something that could be explained in 15 minutes to take no more than 30 (considering that people will always have questions). But right now things that could be explained in 15 minutes for some reason have meetings that take 45+ minutes. And that’s if you’re lucky. What is the reason for this? How is this even possible? I’ll tell you how: idiots.

Usually the idiots are attendees of the meeting, not the person(s) administering the meeting. But I did have an instance today where the person in charge of the meeting was…not an idiot, but not a good listener? So everyone who had questions, most of which were actually legitimate (which is such a rarity), had to repeat their question roughly six times before the administrator actually answered the damn question. I don’t know if this asshole thought we were all stupider than we ended up being, so he thought we were asking simpler questions than we were, or what, but it was like everyone was speaking a different language. That alone sucked away 20 minutes of everyone’s time. Maybe if that asshole just paused to listen to the actual words people were saying, in the order they were saying them, he could have answered them the first time instead of the sixth!

But I have to say that typically at most of the meetings I attend, the administrator is on point and it’s some of the attendees that need to be beaten in the face until they shut up or need to have their mouths gagged. For example, at the meeting today, the administrator said before he started the slide show that there would be a Q&A session at the end. So what does one asshole do in the middle of the presentation? Ask a fucking question. Which then set off a cascade of other people asking questions. And I don’t mean that these people raised their hands and the administrator called on them, thus inviting questions. I mean these assholes just interrupted. So not only were they stupid, but they were also rude, which is one of the worst combinations I can think of. The dude already SAID there would be a Q&A session. WRITE YOUR DAMN QUESTIONS DOWN and WAIT UNTIL THE END. Because maybe he’s about to answer your fucking question in his presentation! But NO. You’re special, and your question is SO FUCKING IMPORTANT that you need to ask it RIGHT NOW! And then other idiots have to jump on the bandwagon. And this continued even after the administrator REMINDED people that there would be a Q&A session and said some of these questions were about to be answered! THEY KEPT GOING. Breaking news: Your question is not that fucking important. If someone tells you at the beginning to hold your questions until the end, fucking LISTEN TO THEM. If the interrupting idiot brigade isn’t enough to induce an aneurysm in any semi-intelligent person, I don’t know what is. I don’t know how I escaped with my life. I might have blacked out.

But I shouldn’t be surprised. Because on top of these two problems, in every meeting I’ve ever attended there is always what I like to call the Zoolander moment. And the reason I call it that is because it plays out exactly like that scene in Zoolander where they’re in the cemetery and Derek says “But why male models?” and J.P. Prewitt says “Are…are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.”

I have this moment at EVERY MEETING I AM IN. Where someone will ask a question, sometimes a dumb question (Breaking news: THERE ARE STUPID QUESTIONS. SORRY TO REVEAL THE TRUTH.), and it will be answered. Then, sometimes, the very next question is the exact same one that was just answered. Maybe sometimes there are synonyms, but the question is the fucking same thing. And I just want to shake the second person and scream at them “HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION AT ALL?!” until they start bleeding out their ears. Sometimes I can’t help but roll my eyes. Because COME ON PEOPLE. If you are already taking the time out of your day to attend the meeting, you will SAVE TIME by fucking paying attention to the meeting. TURN OFF YOUR BLACKBERRY, STOP ZONING OUT AND JUST PAY ATTENTION. Or, if you KNOW you haven’t been paying attention, then DON’T ASK ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS. Because you will immediately reveal to everyone else that you haven’t been paying attention and someone might lunge across the table and stab you in the jugular when they finally can’t take these Zoolander moments anymore. If you haven’t been paying attention and suddenly hear something that alarms you, wait after the meeting and ASK YOUR QUESTION IN PRIVATE. Some of us who HAVE been paying attention don’t appreciate hearing the same fucking question five times in a row.

I’ve never had the pleasure of administering a meeting at my office, and I’ll avoid it at all costs if I can, because I would not tolerate this shit. And I’d be rude about it, too. I wouldn’t tell anyone their question is stupid (even though it might be), but if someone asked a question I just answered, I would say “Pay attention next time, because I already answered that.” And I’m sure people would find that rude. But you know what I find fucking rude? WHEN PEOPLE DON’T PAY ATTENTION WHEN I’M TALKING. So if you’re going to be rude and zone out in a meeting, I think you deserve to be treated like the jerk you obviously are.

Actually, I think if I ever get the chance, I would lead a meeting. You’d better believe it’d be the most efficient meeting ever, even if everyone was in tears by the end of it. And hell, that’d be pretty entertaining too. Bonus points!


Monthly Raging

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