I’m sorry, are you about to fight a lion?

Living in a large city, I am constantly subjected to other people’s poor choice in clothing. And adding to that is the fact that all the major trendy stores seem to support the worst offenses: tights as pants; see-through shirts; long shirts being worn as short, short dresses; gladiator sandals; rompers…I can keep going, but I think you get the idea. Then there’s the problem that apparently NOBODY knows what fucking size they wear. People of all shapes and sizes are wearing clothes that are too damned small and show the unassuming public WAY TOO MUCH.

This has got to stop.

First off: wear the right fucking size. I don’t care what size it is, but I shouldn’t be able to see the intimate details of your body. I don’t want to see your camel toe. I shouldn’t be able to tell how big your junk is. And for the love of all that is good, ladies, please wear a bra. The number of nipples I have seen standing at attention through a paper-thin American Apparel shirt is just horrific. Nobody wants to see that (and if they do, they’re called a PERVERT). Breaking news: wearing one paper-thin shirt on top of another does not mean you don’t need a bra. If you insist on assaulting my eyes by wearing tights as pants, please at least wear a fucking bra. ONE OR THE OTHER; IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

But back to wearing clothes of the correct size: Look, they make clothing in just about every size you can imagine. If you are a 4, stop shoving yourself into a 0. It’s not flattering. And that’s true of any size–if you’re trying to force yourself into clothes that are too small, you are not going to look good. Ever. Around this city, most people look like disgusting sausages with too much meat shoved into the casing. It’s gross. JUST WEAR CLOTHES THAT FUCKING FIT YOU PROPERLY. Why is this so hard? There are these great inventions–they’re called MIRRORS. FUCKING USE ONE. They allow you to see that your tights are actually translucent so that you don’t go out in public showing everyone your underwear! They can show you that a shirt that is four sizes too small is going to highlight all your unflattering features whether you’re a size 0 or 20. IT’S LIKE FUCKING MAGIC. Please go buy a million mirrors and lock yourself in a room with them and your wardrobe. If you weep at what you see, you’ll know how I feel, and you’ll know you need new clothes.

I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like to wear clothes that make me feel like I’m going to burst a seam just by breathing normally. I LIKE TO BE COMFORTABLE IN MY CLOTHES, GO FIGURE. Apparently this makes me FUCKING INSANE.

Secondly, can we talk about gladiator sandals for a minute? People…footwear has evolved for a reason. We no longer need to wear thin strips of cardboard with leather straps. We have sneakers, and sandals of more substance, and high heels and loafers. We have things that make your feet look cute, if that’s your concern, while also protecting them. And unless you’re about to go into a coliseum, I don’t really see the point of the gladiator sandal. Breaking news: They only call them “gladiator” sandals to let you think you’re cool. You aren’t. Personally, when I’m walking around this filthy city, I want my feet as protected as possible. I have seen homeless people urinating on the sidewalk. Do you really want nothing more than a paper-thin piece of cardboard separating your feet from someone’s piss? I’d wear fucking concrete blocks on my feet if I could walk in them and if a dog wouldn’t pee on them, thus defeating the purpose. And yet I see people walking around in gladiator sandals and ill-fitting flip flops, their toes and feet sliding off and touching the pavement. GROSS. It’s enough to make me want to go home and bathe in bleach. Do you really want your feet touching that disgusting sidewalk? Unless you are about to go slay some ancient beast (although if you were, wouldn’t you want to wear boots?), please ditch the damn gladiator sandals.

While we’re talking about footwear, you know what other style needs to go? Peep toe shoes. What, you can’t decide if you want to show all your toes or none of them? Peep toe shoes make you look like you have one or two toes and that your foot ends in a point. You look like a fucking alien. Either go all the way and show all your fucking toes or cover that shit up. The one toe sticking out is just stupid. I’ll take the gladiator sandal over the peep toe, because at least I can understand the rationale behind the creation of the gladiator sandal: it is hot out and you want to air out your feet/keep cool. But what’s the fucking point of the peep toe shoe? No, really. I have no fucking idea. I can’t make any sense out of it. Is it for people who only like one or two of their toes, but want to pretend the others don’t exist? I…I have to stop thinking about it. I can feel my brain leaking out of my ear.

Okay, moving on from the footwear before it gives me a stroke. Third item: What’s going on with rompers making a comeback? Hello, rompers rarely even look good on BABIES, which is who they were designed for. What the fuck message are grown women trying to send by wearing a romper? “I want someone to love me, and change my diapers!” Yeah, I bet that’s a real siren song. But they sure as hell don’t look good on anyone, so I can’t figure out why people would wear them except that they’re trying to send some kind of message. Let me just say it: Whatever message you want to send, a romper is the wrong way to do it. And don’t even get me started on jumpsuits. Please, please stop with the jumpsuits. Nobody looks good in them. Not a single person. In ten years when you look back on that picture of you in a romper or a jumpsuit, you will feel nothing but shame.

Finally: Honestly, I will take tights as pants (even though THEY. ARE. NOT. PANTS. THEY ARE MEANT TO BE WORN WITH SOMETHING THAT COVERS YOUR ASS, AT LEAST) over the other phenomenon of people not wearing any pants. I know that the shirt dress is really popular right now, but that doesn’t mean that all long shirts can be worn as dresses. A lot of them are not long enough. Because then you go to sit down on the subway, and suddenly I know what color underwear you have on and that you have a freckle on your left butt cheek. THAT IS TOO MUCH INFORMATION. And, in the same vein as your feet touching the grimy sidewalk, do you really want your intimate areas touching the subway seat? UGH. The very thought is making my skin crawl. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SAT THERE. THEY MIGHT HAVE DISEASES. Don’t you at least want to be wearing enough fabric to protect yourself from other people’s filth? COME THE FUCK ON.

I have way too many pet peeves about fashion to squeeze it all into this one post, so expect many more rants on this topic in the future. I just needed to get my main issues out of the way. But now I also have to go shower, because just thinking about this shit has stoked my internal rage fire to an unbearable level.


3 Responses to “I’m sorry, are you about to fight a lion?”

  1. 1 Hannah Hypnotic June 10, 2010 at 3:41 am

    Can I just say that I get this in my email inbox every day and it makes me so incredibly amused?

    Gladiator sandals amuse the hell out of me. Also tights as pants…*eyetwitch* We had this conversation already, though.

    Peep toe shoes I don’t mind as much, because it allows the shoe to not rub up against my pedicure and ruin it, thus making me take another trip to the salon. But yeah, some styles do look utterly silly and it would look better if the shoe were closed all the way.

    …also I’m watching Dodgeball, and Alan Tudyk as a random Pirate is hilarious. I thought of you.

    • 2 The Anger Ball June 10, 2010 at 6:31 pm

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds my rants amusing. Otherwise, I might as well just keep them to myself (haha, yeah right)!

      I’ve pretty much ranted about these things to all my friends already, because I must point out a “violation” every time I see it and then explain why it is so offensive.

      Today I saw a woman with black patent peep toe shoes and day glo orange nail polish on her toenails. Nobody wants to see that shit.

      Also, Alan Tudyk is fantastic.

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