Cell phones are dangerous to public health

Because they make me want to punch people. This is clearly dangerous to the general population.

Don’t misunderstand me. I own and use a cell phone every day. In fact, I don’t even have a house phone anymore. The cell phone is my primary line. But I fucking have some decency when I use the damn thing. For example, I don’t use it in public restrooms.

The idea of talking on the phone while I am on the toilet makes me physically ill. It’s fucking gross, people. But you know what? If you want to do it in the privacy of your own home, that’s none of my damned business. Have a fucking teleconference while you’re taking a dump if you want; I don’t care as long as I’m not participating in that teleconference. But when you are in the office, it is NEVER OKAY TO TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHEN YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM. NEVER. There is no phone call important enough to justify this. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually using the bathroom or just in there loitering to talk on your phone. It is NOT APPROPRIATE in either instance. Because even if you aren’t using the bathroom, other people are. Maybe multiple people, since there’s more than one stall. In fact, that’s even MORE creepy than if you were using the toilet too. Instead, you’re talking to your friend on the phone and possibly transmitting the sounds of other people’s bathroom use. ISN’T THAT GROSS?! Even thinking about it feels gross. So just cut it the fuck out. Our office has a lobby for you to go take your personal calls in. Let me do my fucking bathroom business in peace.

Another thing I don’t do with my cell phone: Have loud conversations in public.

Breaking news: Nobody wants to hear your whole conversation, not to mention only your half of the conversation. It’s bad enough having to listen to some of the dumbass things people choose to say aloud when they’re with their friends. I don’t want to hear the dumbass things you’re saying over your phone. I understand that sometimes people do need to take a call in public for whatever reason, but there is never a need to fucking yell into the phone, for one. And for two, about 75% of the people who answer phones in public don’t need to. Ever. Few people are actually that important. Deal with it. Personally, I don’t want 100 strangers hearing any part of my conversation, no matter how inane it is. I wish other people felt the same way. But everyone thinks they’re so fucking important, so of course they’re always going to answer their phone. You’re not fooling anyone, though. Nobody thinks you’re cool or popular. Especially if you don’t have an indoor or private voice. If you’re talking so loud that everyone in the subway car or on the sidewalk can hear you, you need to tone it down. NOBODY ELSE IS AS INTERESTED IN YOUR LIFE AS YOU ARE.

Plus, it’s really hard for me to resist the urge to point out to people when they use a word incorrectly. If they’re talking loud enough for me to hear, I can only assume that they want me to participate in their conversation, but most people don’t seem to appreciate when I try to butt in. IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO PARTICIPATE THEN KEEP YOUR DAMN CONVERSATION TO YOURSELF.

The final cell phone issue I will cover today is: I try to avoid texting or talking on the phone while I’m walking.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Most people cannot even think and breathe at the same time, so trying to talk or text while walking is like doing a triathlon for the average person. Just today, trying to walk from my office to the subway, I nearly kneecapped three people for this offense. It starts out fine; we’re all moving at a reasonable walking pace, and then suddenly the person in front of me almost comes to a dead stop, then starts walking again, then stops. Like they’re a fucking wind-up toy that needs someone to turn the key again. I don’t even have to check anymore; I always know immediately that when someone does this, it means they just pulled out their fucking smart phone or whatever and started checking their e-mail or texting their friend. You know what? Put the fucking phone away until you’re waiting for a crosswalk signal or you’re on your train, because it’s obviously too much of a challenge for you to use technology while walking. There’s a whole fucking world around you that does not revolve around you and your social schedule, so get a fucking move on when you’re in public. Detach yourself from the phone for ten fucking seconds so that you can walk down one city block without looking like you’re having a seizure of some kind. That text message? It can wait. Trust me. It’s for your own good.

I guess most of my problems with people’s cell phone etiquette (because you better believe I have more than the ones covered here) is that they have none. I think cell phones are great, I really do, but I wish people weren’t so fucking addicted to them. They’re always out—on the subway, while people are walking, while they’re talking to a friend face-to-face—it’s obnoxious. Put the fucking thing on silent and stick it in your pocket for an hour. Maybe then you’ll remember how to use your brain again.

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