If I say you’re the #1 fan, will you shut up?

So, as I’m sure you all surmised from my last entry, I went to a concert last night.

I love live music. I love performers. I hate people. So going to a concert is always a crapshoot for me, because I might be lucky and not be near annoying fans, or I might be unlucky and have to stab someone. The concert I went to last night was at a giant, world-famous venue in cesspool city, so that makes it especially risky.

I have to say that for the most part I was pleasantly surprised, and most the people near me were tolerable. Once the concert started, it didn’t matter anyway because I was rocking out for like two solid hours. But I was also sitting directly behind and next to possibly the only two assholes in the arena. One was an inadvertent asshole, and the other a blatant one.

I went by myself, so I had a seat next to the wall, which at first I thought would be excellent because it meant I’d only have a person to my left and nobody to my right. And as the start time drew nearer, it looked like the person to my right wasn’t even going to show up. SCORE, I thought. I should have known better.

After the opening band played and before the main act came on, the person in front of me showed up: Inadvertent Asshole. I call him this because he was like seven fucking feet tall, thus defeating the purpose of stadium seating because when both of us were standing up, he was the same height as I was even with the help of tiered seating. OF COURSE. But I know he can’t help that kind of thing, and otherwise he seemed like a decent guy, so I tried not to be too annoyed. And my seat was good enough that his head didn’t really obscure anything, and since no one was to my right, I could look around him.

But. I am only of average height. I really wish there was something that could be done to reduce the odds of something like this happening, because I feel like this happens to me A LOT, especially someplace where there is just general admission and thus no tiered flooring. I am ALWAYS STUCK BEHIND THE TALLEST FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD. It gets fucking annoying after a while. STOP EATING YOUR VEGETABLES, PEOPLE. YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH ALREADY.

However, my real problem was with Blatant Asshole who ended up sitting next to me. JUST MY FUCKING LUCK. First, he came in late. Like, the main act was starting, and he has to shove past ten people to get to the second to last seat in the row. SHOW UP ON TIME, ASSHOLE. Strike one. Then, it becomes immediately obvious that he was NOT THERE TO ENJOY HIMSELF. He was older, so maybe he was there with a child or wife who really wanted to go to this concert (although they weren’t sitting in the same area, so I have no fucking clue what this asshole was doing next to me), but he clearly did NOT WANT TO BE THERE. Strike two. Because this led to him giving me and all the other fans around him with a look of disdain whenever we cheered or sang along. UHM. IT’S A FUCKING LIVE CONCERT, ASSHOLE. THAT IS WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO. So stop fucking looking at me like I’m the asshole. Breaking news: There is only one asshole in the arena and it is you.

Strike three, though, is by far the biggest strike out anyone could ever get, and really counts for at least three strikes on its own. When this asshole was standing up watching the concert, he stood with his arms akimbo. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, DUDE? He was essentially taking up all of his space and then half of my space and the space of the fan to his left. UNNECESSARY AND UNCOMFORTABLE. At first I kept trying to move away so I wouldn’t brush against his gross, hairy arm, but then halfway through the concert I thought “Fuck it. I am not going to have this night ruined by this asshole.” So whenever he had his arms akimbo, I would start dancing around and bumping into him until he got the hint and crossed his arms instead. Yeah, maybe it was passive-aggressive and I could have just said “Please stop doing that,” but the dude already had two strikes, so my patience was gone. Like…in arenas, they try to shove as many people in as possible. There is barely enough space for each person to breathe, and this asshole wants to stand with his elbows out like he’s a fucking superhero or some shit? Go do that in the bathroom, asshole. Get the fuck out of my way while I rock out to a concert I came to enjoy, a concept you are clearly unfamiliar with.

Then he would leave for 20-minute stretches at a time, and I kept thinking he had left for good, but then he would come back for one or two songs and then leave again. JUST GO AWAY. NOBODY IN THIS SECTION LIKES YOU. And if he was so obviously not enjoying himself, he should have just hung out in the bar area and left all us fans the fuck alone. I’m sorry you’re miserable (no I’m not), but some of us are here to fucking enjoy the shit out of this concert.

I have to say that even with Blatant Asshole attempting to ruin my night, it was impossible because the concert was epically amazing. But good God almighty, do I hate other fans of anything. Even things I enjoy. Because they’re always trying to “prove” that they’re “the biggest fan” and that they “know the most” or whatever. SHUT THE FUCK UP. We all like the same thing, so why can’t we just enjoy it as a group and stop trying to “be the best”. That is fucking idiotic.

I had to ride the train home after the concert, and of course it was flooded with a million other people who had been at the same concert. I had a bag of merchandise, but to keep people from talking to me, I had my nose stuck in a book. Sadly, that didn’t stop me from hearing other fans trying to out-fan one another by talking about how they saw so-and-so before they hit it big and used to follow them around to all their shows in cesspool city and blahblahblah. Breaking news: Nobody gives a shit. That doesn’t make you sound like an awesome fan; it makes you sound like a crazy stalker. And guess what? It doesn’t matter when a fan became a fan or how long they’ve been a fan. All that matters is that they’re a fan now. So stop trying to be an elitist asshole and shut the fuck up.

Not to mention that some of the things people said on the train were just fucking stupid. Like “Why doesn’t the artist dye their hair black, since they talk about death so much?!” Uhm…are we listening to the same music? Because I don’t know what the fuck you’re even talking about. “I’m surprised that more people don’t draw parallels between Artist and This Really Famous And Iconic Singer, because they’re so alike!” Do you know how to read? Because people draw parallels between them CONSTANTLY. You should lay off the booze, honey, because then maybe your brain would start working again and you’d think twice before opening your stupid fucking mouth.

I was sitting in the midst of a clusterfuck of fans who were boozed up and constantly trying to out-fan each other. Luckily my transfer stop came up soon and I was able to leave them and their jockeying behind. If I had had to endure one more moment of that shit, I would have gone berserk. I’m not saying I don’t like to talk about a concert after I see it, but I don’t do it by trying to act like I saw more than other fans or understood it on a deeper level or know more about the artist. I do it by saying “Holy shit, that was fucking amazing and here’s why!” That is how real fans behave. They’re thrilled that there are other fans and don’t care who has been around “longer” or knows “more.”

And this doesn’t just apply to music fans. I find fans of TV shows, books, movies—basically anything you can fucking think of—who behave like this. And fans of all ages, too. It’s why I try not to get involved in fan communities, because they’re always overrun with people who have an inflated sense of self-importance and want to be in control and put other fans down. THAT IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. If you chase other fans away by being a crazy shithead, YOUR MOVIE/BOOK/ARTIST/TV SHOW WILL HAVE NO FANS AND WILL FALL INTO OBSCURITY. How is that a good thing? Breaking news: It isn’t. So cut it the fuck out.

You know who the #1 fan is? The fan who doesn’t fucking act like an asshole.


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