Is this some kind of race?

If there’s one thing I don’t understand, it’s running for the sake of running. I know it’s exercise, but me personally? I’d rather be doing something else that happens to also be exercise. Such as playing tennis, or swimming, or going on a bike ride. Those all serve other purposes for me. I refuse to run unless I am being chased. Otherwise, it’s just exercise to me, and I derive no enjoyment from it.

Now, clearly a large portion of the population disagrees with me, because people are constantly running marathons and whatnot, and I’m not actually here to make fun of them or shame them. I’m cool with that; they happen to enjoy running. The people who deserve to be made fun of for running are the people who do it for literally no reason, and those are the ones I’m here to discuss.

I’m talking about when you see people running down the sidewalk so they can wait with the rest of us at the next crosswalk, or people who run down to the subway platform only to have to wait for the next train like us commoners. What’s the point of that energy expenditure? If you’re in such a rush, you should have left your house five minutes earlier. Then you wouldn’t look like a tool running just to end up waiting.

Since we’ve moved to the suburbs, I’ve seen a phenomenon that cracks my shit up every work day. It’s one of the highlights of my day, no lie. I only have to work from the office once a week; the rest of the time I work from home. But every day I drop Significant Other off at the train and pick her up. In the morning nothing amusing or of note happens; it’s at the end of the day that the fun begins.

Because there is nothing more fucking hysterical than watching a bunch of men and women in business attire BOOK IT from the train platform to their cars. Women in heels and skirts, men in three-piece suits in 90-degree weather with briefcases flapping in the wind—all of them, running to their cars like the pavement is lava and they will die if they don’t reach their car in thirty seconds. It’s like a business suit stampede, and I just sit in my car at the curb and laugh and laugh at them. I haven’t seen someone trip yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

The reason this is comical is not just because of the sheer number of people doing it, though. It’s also funny because it’s entirely pointless. I know people just want to get home after work, and so many people exit the train at our stop that there is often a line of cars waiting to get out of the parking lot because the station is off a busy street, so there is a stop sign and traffic. So maybe one of those dozens of assholes running from the train to the car manages to be first in line, but what the fuck difference does it make? That means for all the people booking it like idiots to their car, only one of them really benefits from it. Because the further you are from the first car, the less it matters where you are in line—it doesn’t add that much time to your commute to wait to exit the parking lot.

But these people seem to think they are in some kind of race or competition to get home where saving those thirty extra seconds it would take to walk like a calm human being from the train to the car makes all the difference. I guess I should thank them for providing me a daily amusement, but really it’s almost too easy to make fun of them. Everything about it is ridiculous and idiotic. As I said, it doesn’t save a significant amount of time in their commute. Trust me. I’ve been at both the beginning and the end of that line of cars purely by chance, and I didn’t notice the difference. Plus, who gives a shit about waiting an extra ten seconds? You’re in your car, listening to your music, on your way home from work. Just be glad you aren’t in the fucking office anymore. Breaking news: Your house isn’t going anywhere; it will be there whether you get home at 6:00 or 6:10.

I guess after living in cesspool city in misery for three years, I have no problem enjoying my surroundings here in the suburbs. The train station is circled by trees. I often get there early and roll down the windows, turn the car off and read a book while I wait for Significant Other to arrive. It’s quiet and pleasant, even when it’s raining. So I guess that’s another reason I don’t see the point in running like your ass is on fire just to get from the train to the car. Don’t you want to enjoy the fresh air for ten seconds?

And frankly, I’d rather be at the end of that long line of cars than look like a fucking stampeding idiot. The moment one of those assholes trips, I am going to be all over that shit taking pictures with my cell phone.


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