I guess that seat is for your imaginary friend

As I mentioned yesterday, I only have to commute into the office once a week, which is a pretty sweet deal.

But don’t think I don’t see plenty of stupid shit happen on that one day, especially on the train (not the subway, an actual train) to get from here to cesspool city. The cars of the train are set up so there are rows with two seats each on one side of the aisle, and rows with three seats each on the other side, just for reference.

When we get on the train at our stop, there are plenty of empty seats. Or so it seems. The problem is that even though 90% of the people on this train are adults and commuters, everyone apparently thinks everyone else has cooties and doesn’t want to sit next to someone. So the people sitting in the two-seat rows will put their bag on the empty seat and then pretend to fall asleep, and the people in the three-seat rows will sit one near the window and one near the aisle, leaving the middle seat open.

Look, assholes. This is a commuter train. It’s going to get full. But I’m not going to stand up because you think your bag deserves a seat and I don’t. Unless you paid for two fucking seats, put your bag on your lap. Are we back in third grade or some shit? I practically expect all the girls to be sitting in one car and all the boys in another, each giggling about how the other smells funny and is stupid. Get the fuck over it, okay? Breaking news: This isn’t your private train. On public transportation, you have to share space. So move your fucking bag.

And the people who leave that middle seat open in the three-seat rows: Who do you think you’re kidding? Oh, you were just trying to be polite and not crowd the other person. Fuck off and move over. Otherwise, I will wake you up and either climb over you or ask you to move over so I can sit down. Is that a seat for your fucking imaginary friend or something? Because if you’re this much of an asshole, you clearly don’t have any real friends. I don’t see why people can’t just slide in when they sit down the first time so that people getting on at later stops don’t have to feel awkward trying to get a seat.

I’m not lazy; I don’t mind standing. But I’m not going to stand when there are seats open. I’m especially not going to stand when someone’s purposely taking up two seats because they think they’re entitled to that extra space. I DO ask people to move their bags all the time, because you have to be an ULTIMATE asshole to be that inconsiderate, and instead of letting myself feel nervous or uncomfortable asking someone to move their stuff, I remind myself that they’re the ones taking up a seat they didn’t pay for. That’s unacceptable on an airplane, but it’s supposed to be OK on a train just because there are no assigned seats? Yeah, right.

I’ve had to sit next to plenty of smelly, creepy, weird people on public transportation. It’s just the way it goes. I just expected adults—and mostly working adults, mostly all in business attire—to behave less like children. My mistake, I guess. Good thing I got my cootie shot.


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