People aren’t the only idiots on the planet

Lucky for us.

I decided to take a little break from the human bashing, since I assume most of my readers are human, to point out that animals can be pretty idiotic too. And any form of idiocy gives me conniptions. Sure, I might be kind of misanthropic, for reasons I think are abundantly obvious, but I don’t give animals a break either. I go a little easier on them, mostly because of their incapacity for higher thought, but sometimes they incur my rage too.

Like my cats, for example.

I have two cats, and right now we have a third that we’re taking care of for a friend while her living situation gets sorted out. So we have three cats right now. Oh, the shenanigans these assholes get up to. But I’m going to talk about one particular shenanigan today.

Every weekday, I get up at 5:45 AM to drive Significant Other to the train station. Then I come home and get ready to work. The litter box is in my office (I don’t know WHY I decided this would be a good fucking idea), so usually I clean it in the morning so it’s not stinking up my office space for the rest of the day.

So earlier this week I come home from the train station, come into the office to start my computer, and see that one of the cats has taken a huge dump right next to the litter box. Literally not a foot away from where the actual litter box is (and it’s been in the same place since we moved in, so it’s not like I moved it to fuck with them or anything). What the fuck, cats?

I have no idea which cat did this, but boy was I fucking pissed. At 7 AM, the last thing I want to be doing is cleaning shit up off the carpet. And the litter box wasn’t a disaster, so I can’t figure out what compelled one of my cats to do their business on the floor instead of in the litter box. Did they have to go so bad that they couldn’t walk the additional six inches to their fucking box? Was one of the other cats taking too long in the litter box? Or did one of their tiny little brains just malfunction? It’s additionally baffling because one of the perks of cats is that you really don’t usually have to litter box train them. They just know that’s where they’re supposed to go. And none of these cats qualify as tiny kittens anymore, so I can’t write it off as inexperience or something. The youngest of them is at least over a year old, probably two, and the oldest is three. I KNOW YOU FUCKERS KNOW HOW TO USE THE LITTER BOX. I SEE YOU DO IT MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY.

If I’m going to be cleaning up their shit every day anyway, the least they could do is keep it in the designated area. Seeing as I also provide them with food (one of my cats is definitely too stupid to be able to fend for himself) and shelter, and they basically have the run of the place, ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO STOP SHITTING ON THE CARPET.

I can’t decide if it’s admirable that it was so close to the litter box, like they almost made it, or if it’s more infuriating because they were too fucking lazy to cover that extra six inches. Right now I’m leaning toward the latter, though.

One of the reasons it’s more enraging when an animal does something stupid is because there is no form of retribution. It’s not like with a human, where you can point something out to them directly, either politely or not, or do something passive-aggressive to get revenge. With animals, you just have to let it go (and in case you didn’t notice, I’m not in the habit of doing that). In most cases the animal is too dumb to remember, and even if they remembered, you can’t do anything in retaliation unless it’s immediate. My cats are terrified of the sound of canned air, for example. But since by the time I got home, the shit had already happened—literally—and there was no culprit in sight, chasing the cats around with canned air would have accomplished nothing. They might have been terrified, but they wouldn’t have known why, and that would be worthless, although amusing.

So I was stuck scrubbing the carpet, and then emptying and rinsing their whole litter box, just in case it was offending their delicate sense of smell or something, and muttering curse words under my breath the whole time. Not satisfying at all. Especially not at 7 AM.

I guess pets of any kind are just lucky that we crave their companionship, because otherwise when something like this happened, there’d really be no reason not to just send them out the door. Then they could shit wherever they wanted!

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3 Responses to “People aren’t the only idiots on the planet”


  1. 1 Hannah Hypnotic August 2, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Oh God damn it, of course I read this and look over and Aziraphale has left a little present for me right next to his litter box.

    I caught him just as it happened, (it was a remnant, I suppose) and to his credit he looked incredibly mortified and tried to paw imaginary litter around it before scampering under the bed.

    At least I knew who did it. Sucks for you. ::hug::

    • 2 The Anger Ball August 2, 2010 at 8:57 pm

      Yeah, the day after I posted this there was another huge pile of shit outside the litter box. I guess cats everywhere don’t appreciate being called idiots. WELL THEN, KEEP YOUR BUSINESS INSIDE THE BOX, ASSHOLES.

      I’ve just taken to calling all three of my cats assholes whenever I see them. It makes me feel better, although two of them are probably really confused by it.

      Sorry Aziraphale took his revenge upon you when it was clearly meant for me. When I go to Hell, I will be eternally cleaning shit off a carpet. I CAN’T WAIT.

  2. 3 affilorama wordpress theme August 2, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Just stumbled upon your website while doing a Google search. Great info BTW.


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