I don’t want to see your ass at work

Earlier this year, my office instated a new summer dress code. Now, before I get into it, my office is pretty casual anyway. I wear dress pants and button-down shirts, but mostly because otherwise I’d have no place else to wear them and they’re about half of my wardrobe. But my office is casual: people wear jeans and t-shirts. People even fucking wear flip-flops, which I think is disgusting, but whatever.

However, in the summer in previous years, we were not allowed to wear shorts of any kind (not that that stopped people, let me tell you). This year, they relaxed the policy to: you can wear Bermuda-length shorts on Fridays or days when the forecasted temperature is over 90. Here are some examples of Bermuda-length shorts, but generally they fall at the knee or just above the knee. JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR.

At first I thought this was a great idea, because men kind of got a shitty deal under the old dress code. Women can wear skirts (and some women in my office wear REALLY SHORT SKIRTS, ugh) in the summer, but men were stuck wearing pants. So hey, this shorts policy is a little more fair, right?

But it is so, so unfair to my eyeballs.

The problem is that now people are dressing like they’re fucking going to the beach instead of the office: ratty t-shirts and shorts and flip-flops. Really? I mean, I know the office is casual, but do you really want to look like a beach bum? You can’t even wear sneakers? I mean, the office is like -5 degrees with the AC, so who cares if it’s 100 degrees outside anyway? But you need to maximize your assault on my eyes by showing every bit of skin you can? Ugh. Nothing is more gross than seeing some person’s hairy toes splaying off their flip-flops as they parade around your office. And I don’t know, I mean, when I have worn shorts to the office, I’ve made sure they’re at least nice-looking shorts. Khaki or a solid color of some kind, not plaid and fashionably torn up or something. But most the time I just wear dress pants anyway because my office is fucking freezing.

But far more offensive to anyone with even a little bit of decorum is the people who apparently are illiterate. What I mean is that more than once, I have seen someone in the office wearing what are essentially booty shorts (warning: link contains images not safe for work, if you give a shit). Remember how I said the dress code is for Bermuda shorts? I mean, there’s at least a 6-inch difference in length there, and I’m being conservative in my guesstimation. I know Bermuda and booty both start with “b,” but let’s be serious here: When is it ever OK to show your ass at work? Unless you are a stripper or a hooker, keep your ass out of sight at all times. Even if for some reason you thought the dress code said “booty shorts” (and wouldn’t you double-check that anyway?), why would you want to show your ass at work?

And trust me, most the people at my office don’t have an ass worth looking at anyway. So I definitely don’t want it hanging out in plain sight.

The most fucking unbelievable thing is I’ve seen this happen more than once. So are these people not being reprimanded even though they are assaulting the rest of us with their poor life choices? Or are they just disregarding all warnings? And if it’s the latter, why can’t they be fired? I mean, doesn’t that show a distinct inability to follow directions? PLEASE FIRE THESE ASSHOLES. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO STAB MY EYES OUT.

It just doesn’t seem right. I’m forced to deal with people’s poor clothing choices when I’m out in public, so you would think I’d get a reprieve in my office, where people are WORKING and should dress like they are AT WORK. I am all for a casual office; I like to wear jeans on Fridays or whatever. But I was unaware my office had become stripper central.

I also wonder what the point is of having a dress code if it’s not enforced. How bad does the violation have to be before someone’s going to suffer some kind of penalty? I consider having your ass hanging out of your shorts at work to be a pretty egregious offense, not to mention a fucking disgusting sight, and yet these assholes are often repeat offenders. Do they need to be completely naked before anyone’s going to say something to them?

I mean, I would say something, but it would probably involve a lot of cursing and gesticulating, and it would probably get me fired. It might be worth it even then, but something tells me I’d be fired and the offender would show up the next day in a thong without a care in the world.

For once, I would like the assholes to have to suffer for their blatant disregard of the rules. They only do it because 9 times out of 10 they can get away with it. But the rules should apply to everybody, and I don’t see why they don’t, especially in this case. To my knowledge, there is no medical condition for which you are required to wear booty shorts OR YOU WILL DIE. And if there is, then these assholes should have doctor’s notes.

Actually, maybe I’ll get a doctor’s note. I’m allergic to people with poor taste in clothing and no self-respect. May I be excused?

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