Archive for November, 2010

Bumper stickers are like an early warning system…

…for stupidity. This way I can tell without even meeting someone if they are, or are related to, a moron. Gauging intelligence is just about the only benefit that bumper stickers offer. And let me tell you, from reading some of the bumper stickers on the cars in this area, I’ve discovered that Significant Other and I unwittingly moved to Conservative Crazypants town. Hooray for us.

I’m just going to go one by one in convenient list form to avoid getting so worked up that my brain explodes. I’ve linked to images below, but they are not necessarily the exact bumper sticker I saw, although the phrase is exactly as I saw it (I may or may not have copied them down the minute I saw them. I ADMIT NOTHING).

  1. Keep Christ in Christmas.
      Significant Other can attest to the fit I threw when I saw this bumper sticker. This is just one of the most asinine things to come out of public discourse in years. It ties into my pet peeve of people in a majority acting like they’re persecuted. Breaking news: If you’re in the majority, you cannot be ostracized. It doesn’t work that way. So, Christians, sorry to burst your bubble, but nobody is trying to take “Christ” out of “Christmas.” 

      FIRST OF ALL, he wasn’t in Christmas to begin with. Let’s be serious here, okay? The only assholes who don’t know by now that “Christmas” used to be a Pagan holiday that was appropriated by the Christians are just in denial. So you can’t really take something out that wasn’t there to begin with. But for centuries now, Christmas has been what it is currently (maybe not with the crazy gift giving, but with the Christian religion, I mean), so even if we’re throwing the appropriation factor aside, there are still other issues.

      SECOND, nobody is trying to take “Christ” out of “Christmas.” If my memory serves me right, this fucking hoopla started when people wanted to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” to be all inclusive and not assume that the person they’re talking to is a fucking Christian. BUT FOR SOME REASON BEING INCLUSIVE IS A TERRIBLE THING! May we be struck down if we want to acknowledge the fact that there are other holidays that occur near the end of December! IT MEANS WE ARE TRYING TO PERSECUTE CHRISTIANS!

      Okay, read that paragraph again and then try to explain how it makes sense. You won’t be able to, because it DOESN’T. Trying to be all inclusive is just that—INCLUDING EVERYONE. “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” ENCOMPASSES ALL THE FUCKING HOLIDAYS, ASSHOLES. THAT MEANS CHRISTMAS TOO. So take your “Keep Christ in Christmas” bullshit and shove it, because it’s ridiculous.

      THIRD, and last on this topic so I can get through the other bumper stickers before I have an aneurysm, the people who want to say “Happy Holidays” in a department store just want people to have a happy fucking holiday regardless of their religion. Nobody is trying to remove the Christian religion from the sentiment of their version of Christmas. I never see bumper stickers that say “Keep Christ Out of Christmas.” It’s a non-issue. NOBODY IS FUCKING WITH YOUR HOLIDAY, OKAY? SO STOP ACTING LIKE THAT’S WHAT’S GOING ON. In other words, get the fuck over yourselves.

  2. Protect the Unborn. (Google images failed me on this one.)
      Ugh, this one. THIS ONE. I haven’t gotten around to writing my rant about abortion rights, but I’ll give you the short of it up front: I am pro-choice. Anyone who is not pro-choice is ANTI-CHOICE. They are not pro-life. If you’re pro-life, that should mean you are pro-letting people do whatever they want with their lives, meaning other people can get abortions if they want. But if you are anti-abortion, you are ANTI-CHOICE. You are trying to restrict other people’s lives and choices. 

      Now that we’re clear on terminology, this bumper sticker boils my blood. Mostly because the people who want to “protect the unborn” don’t give a shit about the billions of people who are already on the planet. Protect that lump of cells in some random woman’s uterus, but don’t provide universal health care or expand welfare or unemployment! Don’t help people who had that baby actually take care of it! These assholes don’t give two shits about the already born. They just care about imposing their personal beliefs on everyone else. Breaking news: Just because abortion is an option doesn’t mean you need to choose it. But it means that someone else can choose it if they want! FANCY THAT.

      I’m a big fan of the “it’s none of your damn business” concept. It’s none of my fucking business who gets abortions. It’s not going to affect me or my life, but it may help improve the life of the woman getting an abortion. So it really pisses me off when people try to stick their nose into someone else’s business pretending to be all concerned about health or safety or whatever, when really they are just self-righteous assholes who can’t stand the idea of someone else, anywhere, doing something they don’t like.

      And I’m sorry (no I’m not) if I think the life of the already-existing woman is more important than the current non-life of her (not a person yet, sorry folks) fetus. I’m sorry (again, no) if I think that a woman shouldn’t be punished for having sex by having to birth a child. I’m sorry (getting the sarcasm point now, I hope?) if I think women should have complete control over their reproductive health and use of their reproductive organs. I’m sorry that I don’t think there should be a law that interferes with women making their own decisions.

      Breaking news: Women are completely capable of making their own decisions and weighing their own pros and cons in any situation, including when considering abortion. And one woman’s pro and con list will differ from another’s! GO FIGURE; WOMEN ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS.

      So fuck off with your “Protect the Unborn” shit. Let’s first take care of the teeming mass of people already on the planet, and then we’ll talk. We’re not in danger of going extinct of our own volition any time soon.

  3. I Don’t Believe the Liberal Media.
      HOORAY FOR YOU; WOULD YOU LIKE A COOKIE? So what media do you believe, then? Because I was ALWAYS taught that taking everything I see on any news channel or in any newspaper at face value is AN EXCELLENT IDEA! So do you believe everything Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly spout out of their putrid mouths? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT PLAN. 

      Look. I’m not going to argue if the media is liberal or conservative, because it’s a futile argument that cannot be won. If you watch a news program and a comment is made you don’t agree with, you’re going to call them the opposite of what you are. Ideally the news would be fair and balanced, but anyone with half a brain knows that’s not true no matter WHAT program you’re watching. But taking what pundits say at face value without doing your own research and investigating to form your own opinion is just idiotic. Breaking news: Use your own fucking brain to form your own fucking opinions. CRAZY, I KNOW. Because pundits are paid to get ratings and cause drama, basically, and spout their own opinions. And a lot of them have opinions that aren’t based on facts or logic. And then that idiocy spreads like wildfire and people like me with an iota of intelligence are left to weep in the corner.

      So while I think saying the media is “liberal” is just laughable, my real problem is that the people who would put that bumper sticker on their car obviously didn’t think twice before doing so. Because guess what? FOX news, Glenn Beck et al., are PART OF THE MEDIA. So how can “the media” be “liberal” if THESE KNOWN CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE/STATIONS EXIST. Just…just something to consider, there. It’s not like FOX is an underground, unpopular station. It’s one of the highest-rated news stations lately. So, uh…hm. How can I put this politely? Your fucking logic fail is showing.

  4. Born Free. Taxed to Death.
      Boo hoo. You like to enjoy things like libraries and highways and public education and the fire department, but you don’t want to pay your damn taxes in order to get these public services. Woe is you! Your life is so hard! You have to pay taxes like every other fucking adult in America! 

      Suck it up, asshole. Pretty much by the time I was 12, before I even had a job, I knew that taxes existed and that someday I would have to pay them. Nobody LIKES to pay taxes, but some of us understand it’s a necessary evil. Because while I hope I never need my local fire department, I sure as hell want them available to me if I do. Or the police, for that matter. And I went through public school and came out just fine (not to say improvements couldn’t be made). And I like having libraries and paved roads. And I don’t mind paying a school tax even though I don’t have children. HOLY HELL, I MUST BE A SOCIALIST BECAUSE I DON’T WHINE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT A REALLY VERY TINY FRACTION OF MY PAYCHECK BEING USED TO BENEFIT SOCIETY. BURN ME AT THE STAKE IMMEDIATELY!

      People who complain about taxes are immature assholes who have no idea how any level of government works. If we took away everything that taxes pay for, these assholes would be the first to complain about the disrepair of all the roads or that they can’t afford to send their kids to a fancy private school and there’s no public option available. Part of being an adult is paying taxes. And America’s tax rates aren’t the worst in the world. Why don’t you complain about politicians who waste the tax money on vacations or private jets instead? Maybe if they didn’t guzzle this “free money” down, it could be used to improve things that really need it, like education. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WRONG ISSUE, ASSHOLES. ARGH. Taxes do SO MUCH to make our lives easier, and people would rather whine about it than use their brains to think about it. And the only thing that makes something bad worse is when people complain incessantly about it. It’s like being stuck at the airport security line behind the guy who has to complain THE WHOLE TIME about how inconvenient it is to have to take off his shoes. Yeah, we all know it’s inconvenient. But your complaining DOES NOT HELP.

      Breaking news: Everyone thinks taxes, in general, suck. But they are necessary (no, really), so the fucking mature adults among us have learned to let it go. If you value your life, you will stop complaining about taxes, because I have about reached my limit when it comes to hearing (or reading) people complain about this. Do a little research into what your fucking taxes pay for, and then think how often you or someone you’re related to or someone you don’t know uses and benefits from those services, and then think how much harder everyone’s life would be without them.

      If your brain survives that little mental exercise of THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF FOR TEN SECONDS, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE LEARNED HOW TO THINK LIKE AN ADULT.

      If not, no one is mourning your loss. Trust me.

_____

Oh, my bad. Did my fucking logic just burst your Conservative Crazypants bubble? It’s OK to cry. That way I know I’ve done my job.

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The Anger Ball vs. Wednesday: Pts. 22–25

I think that’s the correct count, anyway, including today. I’ve lost track (whoops).

I had a sneaking suspicion that Tuesday was taking up Wednesday’s gauntlet, because the past few weeks Wednesday has been oddly easygoing whereas Tuesday has been attempting to kick my ass. But today has thrown me for a loop. Wednesday apparently wanted to reclaim her crown as my supreme harasser, as I haven’t had a Wednesday like this in a long while. I don’t know if her and Tuesday are in cahoots or if they have both just decided to do their damnedest to take me out, but it looks like I cannot let my guard down ever. Next thing I know, Thursday will jump in on the dog pile too. I MUST BE PREPARED.

Also, my co-workers seem to be in on this mess, too. I don’t know if it’s the end of the year lethargy or what, but suddenly they all seem to have forgotten how to do their jobs, even the ones who are usually pretty good at sticking to deadlines, and so I’ve been working crazy hours to compensate. And then I’ve been sleeping in all my free time to try and make up all that lost energy.

I CAN NO LONGER STAND ALONE AGAINST ALL THESE FOES. I need allies. But who would stand with me, when my opponents are so great?

WE WILL SEE. WE WILL SEE.

The Anger Ball: 10
Wednesday (and Tuesday, and co-workers): 11.5

I guess common courtesy is lost on you

I have been such a slacker in making blog posts that now I have a whole list of topics to cover. Which I guess is good, because before I just ranted about whatever I was angry about at the moment and thought I might run out of stuff to talk about. Ha! As if I’m ever not angry.

Anyway, it should come as a surprise to no one that most of the time I’m pretty antisocial. If I don’t HAVE to go out in public, I won’t. It’s the only way to keep my rage in check. But once a year, I host a party. Halloween is my favorite time of the year; I’ve always loved making costumes, and so it’s an excuse even into my old age to dress up as whatever the hell I want. So I have a Halloween party, and I invite my friends.

Or at least I thought some of these people were my friends. But every fucking year, I have the same problem: over half my guest list never sends me an RSVP. Now, I don’t know French*, but I fucking know that RSVP means TELL ME IF YOU’RE COMING OR NOT. That means you let the person know whether your answer is YES OR NO. Why is this so fucking hard? It’s a fucking party, assholes. I’m going to be providing food and drink and good times. But it’d be really fucking helpful if you could tell me if you’re coming so I know how much shit to buy! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD?

While I clearly invite these people because I would like for them to attend, I’m not going to be fucking offended if they can’t. I AM going to be fucking offended when they just blatantly ignore my invitation altogether and can’t even extend the courtesy of saying “Sorry, but I can’t make it!” You don’t have to tell me WHY, you don’t have to MAKE UP A REASON. JUST FUCKING REPLY. IT CAN JUST SAY “NO.” THAT IS LESS RUDE THAN NOT REPLYING AT ALL. The invites I send are digital, too. So there’s really no fucking excuse except that some of my “friends” are assholes. They don’t have to go to the post office or buy a stamp or anything. JUST HIT A BUTTON. What is the fucking world coming to when people can’t even be bothered to use their mouse to click a button on the computer screen?

I will say that some of the invitations I send out are more courtesy than an actual belief that that friend will attend. I have a handful of friends that live in other states, but I send them invites just to let them know that if they happen to be in the area, they are of course invited to my party. Them not RSVP-ing isn’t really what I’m talking about—there’s pretty much no doubt their answer is “No.” It’s my fucking asshole friends who live less than an hour away, where there’s a real possibility of them showing up to the party, that I’m pissed off about. This happens EVERY FUCKING YEAR, and then I always end up having people who never even acknowledged that they received the invitation show up at my door. Luckily I/my cousin/Significant Other always make WAY TOO MUCH FOOD anyway (it’s my Italian heritage), but THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS IT’D BE FUCKING NICE TO KNOW AHEAD OF TIME HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COMING TO MY FUCKING HOUSE.

Breaking news: RSVP isn’t optional ever. If someone’s requested a fucking RSVP from you, RESPOND TO THEM. Otherwise you might get my fist in your face.

I mean, hypothetically the people that you invite to a party or a wedding or a baby shower are your FRIENDS AND FAMILY. So you think they’d be a little more inclined to respond than if you were a crazy person handing out invitations to strangers or some shit. I just don’t know why it became OK to be an asshole to someone who is supposed to be your friend. I mean, I can be a rude asshole myself, but I ALWAYS respond to invitations from friends for ANYTHING. Yes, even if it’s to decline the invitation. Because no one will ever convince me that it’s less rude to just ignore it than it is to decline. Ignoring it is like pretending that person doesn’t exist, which is pretty much THE RUDEST BEHAVIOR YOU CAN ADOPT. Declining at least acknowledges that you received the invitation and that you recognize your friend’s existence.

Also, just so we’re clear, RSVP-ing “Yes” and then NOT SHOWING UP TO THE PARTY is on par with not responding at all. I know that things come up sometimes and people have to cancel at the last minute, and that’s fine. BUT YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY CANCEL. THAT MEANS LETTING SOMEONE KNOW YOU’RE NOT SHOWING UP WHEN YOU SAID YOU WOULD. Just so I’m not sitting around all night wondering if one of my friends got lost or mugged or something.

Oh, and telling me THE DAY AFTER THE PARTY that you were real sorry you couldn’t attend, when you never even acknowledged you got the invitation in the first place, is just stupid. Don’t even bother, because at that point I don’t give two shits. You couldn’t be bothered to even let me know the day before that you weren’t coming, but for some reason you found it necessary to tell me the day AFTER that you were sorry to have missed it? YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ME. At that point, you just have to live with the fact that you’re a rude asshole who doesn’t respond to your friends’ invitations. I’ve already learned to deal with it.

But you know what? I think I can turn this on its head. I’ll just stop inviting the assholes who don’t reply at all, and next year when they say “Hey, why wasn’t I invited to your party?” I’ll just ignore them.

Yeah, I’m petty. Ask me if I care.

*RSVP is an abbreviation for répondez s’il vous plaît. I don’t know why us classless Americans got into the habit of using it; I’m not a fucking historian.


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