Posts Tagged 'Public transportation blues'

We’re really still doing this?

As some of you may know, I work from home most the time. I only have to commute into cesspool city once a week, and for that I am grateful every day.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have shit to complain about on that one day, though.

Significant Other and I normally catch the same train home, which leaves the station a little before 5pm. Recently, the company that runs the trains has instituted a quiet car during commuting hours in the morning and evening on weekdays. It’s only ONE CAR out of the five or six that make up the trains at this time. ONE CAR. And usually the conductor will announce it, but it’s always the same: the first car when heading in to work in the morning, and the last car when heading out in the evening. IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO REMEMBER. Especially if you ride the same damn train and sit in the same damn seat every day.

But for some reason, on the train SO and I usually catch, there is a group of teenagers stuck in adult bodies who act like they’re still in goddamned high school. You know the people: they always have to sit in the same seats, they have to save seats for their friends, they will talk THE WHOLE HOUR RIDE HOME, and the rules do not apply to them. If I described that, would you not assume these were teenagers with no regard for others? But no; all of these people are old enough to be my fucking parents.

There is only one fucking quiet car on the train, and I like to sleep on the ride to/from work, because I’m a tired Anger Ball from raging all day. Now, the quiet car is supposed to allow for people to talk, QUIETLY (sensing a theme yet?), but nobody seems to have an indoor voice on this train. SO and I have sometimes caught the train after this one, or even the train AFTER that one, and nobody on those trains seems to have this goddamn problem. Everyone on those trains is quiet or able to talk in a whisper.

NOT THESE ASSHOLES, THOUGH. I know EVERYTHING about their fucking lives. Things that I never needed or wanted to know about ANYBODY. Breaking news: There are at LEAST four other cars you can sit in if you want to talk. GO TO ONE OF THEM, BEFORE I THROW YOU ONTO THE TRACKS.

The worst part is that if SO or I try to get the conductor involved, these people just up their teenage antics. They see us talking to the conductor or calling him/her over, and they immediately shut the fuck up. Then the conductor looks at me like I’m fucking crazy, maybe repeats the announcement that it’s the quiet car, and leaves. THEN THESE ASSHOLES START TALKING AGAIN.

Oh, and apparently sitting right next to the person you want to talk to automatically makes you gay with them or something, because these assholes sit across the aisle from one another, which means they have to talk louder to have a normal conversation.

I’m sorry, but in the fucking quiet car I should not hear your conversation over the noise of the train moving. THAT IS NOT WHAT THE QUIET CAR IS FOR. Let the people who want ACTUAL QUIET enjoy the goddamned quiet car. Don’t just continue sitting in it because those are your seats or some shit. Breaking news: We’re not in high school; there are no fucking assigned seats. GO. SOMEPLACE. ELSE.

The other thing is that on this train, there are about three stops before the first major stop, where most people, including SO and I, disembark. These assholes also get off at that stop. The moment we pull out of the station before our stop, they all stand up, and for some reason decide it’s no longer the quiet car at all. People come up from further back to stand and wait by the door and are talking to people sitting four rows away, over the tops of people who ARE STILL SLEEPING OR TRYING TO READ. BECAUSE THEIR STOP IS NOT THE NEXT ONE. I don’t know, as far as I fucking understand it, the quiet car rules are not “only if the train is in motion” or “only when you feel like being quiet”. THEY ARE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING TRIP. SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS FOR TEN SECONDS. Just because your stop is next doesn’t mean it stops being the quiet car.

I’ve never seen a bunch of adults act so consistently like children. I mean, this happens every goddamned week. The people who appear to have assigned seats (I roll my eyes every time I type that, but it’s true; they sit in the same place every day and save seats for their friends. I want to barf just thinking about it) are generally tolerable, which means I can sleep through their incessant chatter. But the other day there was some asshole talking loudly on his cell phone, although luckily after an announcement from the conductor he put that shit away. I haven’t confronted anyone yet about their intolerable noise, but only because by the end of the day (we don’t have this problem in the morning when everyone is so tired they pass the fuck out) I’m so fucking frustrated from work that I’m worried I won’t be able to control my rage and ask politely but sternly. I’m worried I’ll just curl my hand into a fist and beat all these people to death. So generally I just simmer in my rage until I pass out from exhaustion and wake up just before our stop.


That does not make this shit okay, and, as with the movie theater and cell phone use thing, where I hit my limit and now I ask people immediately to put their phones away instead of giving them three strikes, I feel that I’m reaching the breaking point with this, too. The problem, though, is that the noise level is relative to where you are to the people talking. If they’re sitting behind you, they’re going to sound louder than people sitting eight rows away, even if both are speaking at the same volume. So my problem is if I want to tell one pair of assholes to shut up, suddenly I have to get up and tell forty pairs of assholes to shut up, because everyone in that car for the most part is a goddamned child who will say, “Why are you yelling at me when 38750398461 other people are talking?” Well, asshole, if you’re sitting right behind me, I can hear every detail of your pathetic life, whereas I cannot hear all the inane details of the conversation in the back of the train. THIS SEEMS OBVIOUS TO ME, but people are selfish assholes who can’t think of other people for ten goddamned seconds.

Frankly, what the trains SHOULD do is make the quiet car completely quiet. No talking at all, no cell phones at all, nothing. COMPLETE SILENCE. I’m blissing out just imagining this right now. If there are FOUR (or more) other cars in which to talk, at any volume you wish, why can’t we have one for the actual adults who don’t have problems keeping their mouths shut for an hour? Let me tell you, the quiet car is ALWAYS full, too. I’m sure it would be full even if they changed the rule to complete silence. And everyone in that car would be a lot fucking happier if that were the case.

Maybe I’m expecting too much from adults. I mean, I can sit still for a long time, and I don’t have to fill silence with bullshit. But apparently few others are capable of this. I mean, these people who talk for the whole train ride aren’t ever talking about anything interesting or important. Now, look. I don’t think every single conversation has to be profound. But if you’re going to talk for an hour in the quiet car of a train, it better be fucking worthwhile and interesting, because EVERYONE IS GOING TO HEAR IT. I don’t want to hear about your kid’s little league game. I bet your fucking friend doesn’t even really want to hear about it. So shut the fuck up.

But it just blows my mind because it’s not like the entire train is a quiet train. It’s just one fucking car. And yet these people are so oblivious or inconsiderate that they just continue to do this shit every day instead of moving to another car to have their vapid conversations. Like…I just can’t wrap my brain around being that big an asshole.

You would think I’d be used to this shit by now. But people just find new ways to be bigger and bigger assholes every day. I guess once I reach my limit and snap at them all, maybe I’ll finally get a fucking hour of peace and quiet. But more likely, since their maturity level is that of teenagers, I’ll just have to deal with passive-aggressive bullshit instead. Hooray, something else to look forward to!


Too bad it’s necessary for survival

Most of the topics I write about on my blog are things I find to be somewhat avoidable. If people just paid a little attention to their surroundings, and the other people therein, instead of being self-absorbed assholes all the time, I think I would be at least 50% less infuriated than I am in the current situations.

But there are also unavoidable things that really tick me off too, and today I’m going to talk about one of these: eating. Specifically, eating in public. Obviously, ingesting food is necessary for survival. And, as I’ve covered before, I love food. So I’m not saying people should stop eating around other people, because that’s an impossibility for countless reasons. But it doesn’t mean I have to find it enjoyable.

Because let’s face it: people are fucking slobs. Everyone is. I have never seen ONE person eating in public that didn’t make my stomach turn. The act of eating is just inherently gross, and it doesn’t matter if you’re eating a salad or a big greasy burger. All the rest of us can do is try and avert our eyes and focus on our own meal, knowing full well that we also look like gross slobs. Some people are worse than others, but right now I’m just talking about the general act of eating in public. There’s always crunching or squishing or spilling or swallowing or any of a plethora of other disgusting sounds that accompany eating. And while we’re generally unaware of our own eating sounds (although not always, and man does that kill my appetite really quickly), it’s impossible to ignore someone else’s, whether they’re a friend or some stranger sitting three tables away.

However, as I said, there’s nothing to be done about this, so I mostly just try to ignore it, for the sake of my sanity (hey, I never said all the things that pissed me off made sense). But then you get the people who are just over-the-top disgusting when they eat. One time, Significant Other and I were on the subway and a person sitting across from us was eating something gross (maybe fast food, I don’t remember) and belching loudly literally after every bite. AFTER EVERY FUCKING BITE. By the time we got to our stop I had lost my appetite for the rest of the night. It was one of the most disgusting public transportation encounters I’ve ever had (and I’ve been near people who don’t even try to cover their mouths when they sneeze. Hooray!). I understand some people have digestive issues, but I’ve never seen someone just blatantly disregard the people around them in order to wolf down a burger. If that were me, and that was an issue I had, you know I would fucking lock myself in my apartment before eating anything. But I understand not everyone feels such shame about these disgusting things (even though in this case the person definitely should have). And sometimes eating around other people, like at a restaurant, is unavoidable. BUT NOT ON THE SUBWAY. And these were not delicate, barely noticeable burps. They drowned out conversation and stank and UGH UGH UGH I think I’m having a terrible flashback, hold on.

Anyway, on top of the disgusting belching, this person also chewed with their mouth open. You could hear their lips smacking together and their teeth grinding and…okay, I have to stop now because it’s grossing me out just thinking about it again. My point is, if you HAVE to eat in public, maybe try not to be THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, OKAY? Ugh. It’s fucking public space, not your dining room, so learn a little decorum.

The other thing that drives me crazy is people who wolf down their food like they haven’t had a meal in three weeks and may never have one again. I’m a fast eater myself, but I still manage to have conversations during a meal and take breaks and BREATHE BETWEEN BITES, for example. I’m talking about people who are so focused on the food that it might as well be the only thing that exists in the universe. While that would be nice, it’s NOT TRUE. And eating that fast only seems to exacerbate all the problems inherent in the process (the noises, the mess, etc.), so it is EVEN LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN NORMAL, which is saying a lot considering how unattractive I consider normal eating to be. Now, if that’s truly the first meal the person has had in weeks, I won’t begrudge them the desire to cram it into their mouth as quickly as possible. But the odds of that being true are low, although not nonexistent. And if it’s at a nice restaurant, the odds are even lower. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME. Unless there’s something I’m unaware of, NOBODY IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR PLATE AWAY FROM YOU.

Luckily for the human race as a whole, but unluckily for me, this peeve extends beyond people and into the rest of the animal kingdom as well. You may remember Glutton Cat from my last post, and how aptly he is named. Well, watching him eat is almost as bad as being in a restaurant full of belchers and fast eaters would be. He pretty much inhales his food in about 20 seconds, making a huge mess that I then have to clean up, and making this gross smacking noise the entire time, probably because he’s sucking the food down so quickly. In that time, he also manages to get his bowl completely clean. I mean, it looks like it just came out of the fucking dishwasher. You would think I starve this fucking cat. So, he’s basically the worst combination of fast eater and noisy eater, my two most hated types. And I have to sit in the kitchen EVERY DAY and listen to/watch him eat, to make sure he doesn’t inhale the other cats’ food and the plates and possibly the entire kitchen in his haste. THIS IS SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE TORTURE and also why I don’t believe in God, because even a vengeful God wouldn’t be spiteful enough to do this to me.

Look. I know this is one of my personal neuroses, but when you stop to think about it I don’t think ANYONE could tell me that eating isn’t gross. Food is (mostly) delicious and I endorse eating it and enjoying it, but maybe SOME OF US (I’m looking at you, subway belcher) should keep to themselves when they eat. Nobody wants to hear your nauseating soundtrack.

I guess that seat is for your imaginary friend

As I mentioned yesterday, I only have to commute into the office once a week, which is a pretty sweet deal.

But don’t think I don’t see plenty of stupid shit happen on that one day, especially on the train (not the subway, an actual train) to get from here to cesspool city. The cars of the train are set up so there are rows with two seats each on one side of the aisle, and rows with three seats each on the other side, just for reference.

When we get on the train at our stop, there are plenty of empty seats. Or so it seems. The problem is that even though 90% of the people on this train are adults and commuters, everyone apparently thinks everyone else has cooties and doesn’t want to sit next to someone. So the people sitting in the two-seat rows will put their bag on the empty seat and then pretend to fall asleep, and the people in the three-seat rows will sit one near the window and one near the aisle, leaving the middle seat open.

Look, assholes. This is a commuter train. It’s going to get full. But I’m not going to stand up because you think your bag deserves a seat and I don’t. Unless you paid for two fucking seats, put your bag on your lap. Are we back in third grade or some shit? I practically expect all the girls to be sitting in one car and all the boys in another, each giggling about how the other smells funny and is stupid. Get the fuck over it, okay? Breaking news: This isn’t your private train. On public transportation, you have to share space. So move your fucking bag.

And the people who leave that middle seat open in the three-seat rows: Who do you think you’re kidding? Oh, you were just trying to be polite and not crowd the other person. Fuck off and move over. Otherwise, I will wake you up and either climb over you or ask you to move over so I can sit down. Is that a seat for your fucking imaginary friend or something? Because if you’re this much of an asshole, you clearly don’t have any real friends. I don’t see why people can’t just slide in when they sit down the first time so that people getting on at later stops don’t have to feel awkward trying to get a seat.

I’m not lazy; I don’t mind standing. But I’m not going to stand when there are seats open. I’m especially not going to stand when someone’s purposely taking up two seats because they think they’re entitled to that extra space. I DO ask people to move their bags all the time, because you have to be an ULTIMATE asshole to be that inconsiderate, and instead of letting myself feel nervous or uncomfortable asking someone to move their stuff, I remind myself that they’re the ones taking up a seat they didn’t pay for. That’s unacceptable on an airplane, but it’s supposed to be OK on a train just because there are no assigned seats? Yeah, right.

I’ve had to sit next to plenty of smelly, creepy, weird people on public transportation. It’s just the way it goes. I just expected adults—and mostly working adults, mostly all in business attire—to behave less like children. My mistake, I guess. Good thing I got my cootie shot.

Is this some kind of race?

If there’s one thing I don’t understand, it’s running for the sake of running. I know it’s exercise, but me personally? I’d rather be doing something else that happens to also be exercise. Such as playing tennis, or swimming, or going on a bike ride. Those all serve other purposes for me. I refuse to run unless I am being chased. Otherwise, it’s just exercise to me, and I derive no enjoyment from it.

Now, clearly a large portion of the population disagrees with me, because people are constantly running marathons and whatnot, and I’m not actually here to make fun of them or shame them. I’m cool with that; they happen to enjoy running. The people who deserve to be made fun of for running are the people who do it for literally no reason, and those are the ones I’m here to discuss.

I’m talking about when you see people running down the sidewalk so they can wait with the rest of us at the next crosswalk, or people who run down to the subway platform only to have to wait for the next train like us commoners. What’s the point of that energy expenditure? If you’re in such a rush, you should have left your house five minutes earlier. Then you wouldn’t look like a tool running just to end up waiting.

Since we’ve moved to the suburbs, I’ve seen a phenomenon that cracks my shit up every work day. It’s one of the highlights of my day, no lie. I only have to work from the office once a week; the rest of the time I work from home. But every day I drop Significant Other off at the train and pick her up. In the morning nothing amusing or of note happens; it’s at the end of the day that the fun begins.

Because there is nothing more fucking hysterical than watching a bunch of men and women in business attire BOOK IT from the train platform to their cars. Women in heels and skirts, men in three-piece suits in 90-degree weather with briefcases flapping in the wind—all of them, running to their cars like the pavement is lava and they will die if they don’t reach their car in thirty seconds. It’s like a business suit stampede, and I just sit in my car at the curb and laugh and laugh at them. I haven’t seen someone trip yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

The reason this is comical is not just because of the sheer number of people doing it, though. It’s also funny because it’s entirely pointless. I know people just want to get home after work, and so many people exit the train at our stop that there is often a line of cars waiting to get out of the parking lot because the station is off a busy street, so there is a stop sign and traffic. So maybe one of those dozens of assholes running from the train to the car manages to be first in line, but what the fuck difference does it make? That means for all the people booking it like idiots to their car, only one of them really benefits from it. Because the further you are from the first car, the less it matters where you are in line—it doesn’t add that much time to your commute to wait to exit the parking lot.

But these people seem to think they are in some kind of race or competition to get home where saving those thirty extra seconds it would take to walk like a calm human being from the train to the car makes all the difference. I guess I should thank them for providing me a daily amusement, but really it’s almost too easy to make fun of them. Everything about it is ridiculous and idiotic. As I said, it doesn’t save a significant amount of time in their commute. Trust me. I’ve been at both the beginning and the end of that line of cars purely by chance, and I didn’t notice the difference. Plus, who gives a shit about waiting an extra ten seconds? You’re in your car, listening to your music, on your way home from work. Just be glad you aren’t in the fucking office anymore. Breaking news: Your house isn’t going anywhere; it will be there whether you get home at 6:00 or 6:10.

I guess after living in cesspool city in misery for three years, I have no problem enjoying my surroundings here in the suburbs. The train station is circled by trees. I often get there early and roll down the windows, turn the car off and read a book while I wait for Significant Other to arrive. It’s quiet and pleasant, even when it’s raining. So I guess that’s another reason I don’t see the point in running like your ass is on fire just to get from the train to the car. Don’t you want to enjoy the fresh air for ten seconds?

And frankly, I’d rather be at the end of that long line of cars than look like a fucking stampeding idiot. The moment one of those assholes trips, I am going to be all over that shit taking pictures with my cell phone.

Your taste in music confirms my hatred of you

I figured I’d round off this week sticking with the music theme.

Even though I have managed to escape to suburbia, there are things I am learning are universal. For example: No matter where you go, some asshole is going to feel the need to share their terrible taste in music with the world.

In the cesspool city I just fled, it used to be people pumping the bass, which is inarguably even WORSE than people just blasting music because you can’t even TELL WHAT SONG IT IS. All you know is it’s 3AM and your windows are shaking and someone’s dogs are barking while some asshole is stopped at the red light on your street with their bass shattering ear drums everywhere. But it wasn’t just people in cars blasting music, unfortunately, because at least that was almost always transient (hey, the light turns green eventually, even if it feels like fucking eternity when you’re trying to fall back asleep for work the next day!). We also had the pleasure of living near people who liked to blast their music in the morning or late at night from their porch or apartment window. Breaking news: Not everyone likes the same type of music; that’s why there are so many different genres. So please keep your fucking terrible taste to yourself.

I thought maybe I had escaped this by moving to a relatively quiet neighborhood, and in honesty I mostly have. There is no more window-shattering bass, at least, and during the day it is mostly quiet. But this past weekend I learned that the guy living across the street from me is obsessed with hand-washing his car and likes to blast his car’s stereo while he does this. It’s weird because his house has a garage and he parks his car inside it, yet I saw him washing his car both Saturday and Sunday. Well, by “saw” I really mean “heard”. I’m sure it’s boring to hand-wash your car, and doing it in silence can probably drive a person insane. But guess what? Mp3 players were invented for a reason, asshole. Put on some fucking headphones and boogie down all you want, but stop assaulting the rest of us.

Frankly, I don’t even care if someone has the same taste in music as I do and blasts it. It’s rude to do so in a public area no matter where you are. (And just for clarity: my neighbor was washing his car on the street, not in his garage, so it was a public space. And I would argue that even if he was in his garage, if his music is loud enough to be heard across the street, it qualifies as being part of public space and thus worthy of my ire.) Trust me that everyone is constantly judging you for a million other reasons—you don’t want to add your music taste to that list. At least not immediately.

The other music overshare trend that I just don’t understand is people who have headphones in, for example on public transportation, but have the music turned up SO LOUD that people near them can hear it. And I don’t just mean can hear that there is music playing; I mean hearing lyrics and harmonies and rhythms. No lie, I was once sitting next to someone with their music turned up so loud I could hear it through the music I was listening to. I think just trying to comprehend how that’s possible killed half of my brain cells that day. Look, I know that subways can be noisy and the public service announcements can be really damned annoying, but you know what’s even worse? Being forced to listen to someone else’s shitty music. So turn your damned headphones down. Plus, if there’s an emergency, how do you expect to hear what the conductor is saying when your music is so loud it’s making your ear drums bleed? Oh, right. You expect to pop out one of your ear buds, look at me and ask “What did they say?” Like I’m your personal assistant who’s just more than happy to let you know what you missed while you were rocking out to some terrible song.

You want to know what the conductor said? He said turn down your fucking music before I shove your mp3 player down your throat.

Nice try, you lying assholes

Today, friends, we are going to talk about advertisements I see on public transportation. Well, really, we’re going to talk about one ad in particular that pisses me off every fucking time I see it, because they’re trying to capitalize on controversy to sound like they’re being really generous.

The ad is a lie!

Hint: None of those is an alternative to abortion

If you will look to the right, you will see the ad in question. Sorry for the blurry photo, but I was standing at the time and also trying not to get too many people in the photo. I cut out the phone numbers because they are not relevant to my rant, but otherwise this photo is unaltered. If you can’t read it, it says:


  • FREE Confidential Options Counseling
  • FREE Pregnancy Tests
  • FREE Ultrasounds

Doesn’t that sound generous? All of these abortion alternatives are being offered for FREE!!!! It’s so wonderful!


This ad seriously gives me an aneurysm every time I see it because it is just A FUCKING LIE. I know they did it on purpose to take advantage of people who are pregnant and conflicted about it and to also take advantage of the abortion “controversy” to try and make it seem like they are really generous, offering all these ALTERNATIVES for FREE. I just can’t even believe they’re allowed to put such a blatantly false advertisement out in public.

For those of you still unclear on my qualm, let’s go to Merriam-Webster to get the definition of “alternative”:

Main Entry: 2alternative
Function: noun
Date: 1624

1 a : a proposition or situation offering a choice between two or more things only one of which may be chosen b : an opportunity for deciding between two or more courses or propositions
2 a : one of two or more things, courses, or propositions to be chosen b : something which can be chosen instead <the only alternative to intervention>
3 : alternative rock music

synonyms see choice

That is copied and pasted right from the fucking dictionary website. Now, I like to think most the people reading this have at least two fucking brain cells to rub together, but I’m sure there’s at least one person who still fails to see the problem. So I made a handy flow chart to illustrate:

You're doing it right

As you can see, you have two choices once you are pregnant

If you are pregnant, you only have TWO FUCKING CHOICES. And that is to either to have a baby or to terminate the pregnancy. If you decide to abort, that’s the end of your choices at the moment. If you decide to have the baby, you can then decide to KEEP the baby or put it up for adoption. So now with this wonderful flow chart I created, and the definition of “alternative” provided by Merriam-Webster, any idiot can see that this advertisement is a fucking joke. But let’s break it down even further:

  • FREE Pregnancy Tests

The organization that created this advertisement clearly has no fucking idea of what parallel options or alternatives are. To them, an alternative to abortion is a pregnancy test! That’s interesting, because most women I know don’t think about getting an abortion at all unless they already know they are pregnant. So if you already know you’re fucking pregnant, why would you need a pregnancy test, free or otherwise? YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE PREGNANCY. A PREGNANCY TEST IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION. Jeeze, this one alone is giving me a conniption, it’s just so obviously fucking stupid. Who in their right mind would read that and think this was a good deal? Unless there are women out there who go around constantly thinking about abortions even if they aren’t pregnant, in which case my message to them is: Seek mental help immediately.

  • FREE Ultrasounds

Again, I think it’s pretty obvious that this is not an alternative to abortion. The choice is not “Hm, do I get an abortion or do I get an ultrasound?” It’s “DO I FUCKING HAVE THIS BABY OR NOT?” An ultrasound is irrelevant to that choice. It’s something you get done once you’ve decided to have the baby, or if you go to one of those fucking terrible clinics that make you have an ultrasound before you get an abortion to try and guilt you into keeping a baby you don’t want (but they’ll be damned if they help you out once you have the kid they made you feel guilty for wanting to abort! I don’t even know how those fucking places are allowed to exist, but I digress). It’s once again fucking painfully obvious that this organization is basically going to coerce you into having the baby whether you actually want it or not. Which brings me to the final bullet point:

  • FREE Confidential Options Counseling

Normally, I would say this is a good and beneficial service, because choosing to have a child or not is a big, life-altering decision, and if you are at all uncertain you definitely should talk to someone about it. BUT this organization has made it painfully obvious in less than 100 words on their advertisement that they don’t know anything about “options”. Their goal is to make you keep that baby no matter what, and I’ll bet anything their “counselors” don’t even talk about abortion as a viable option, but rather as a terrible crime. So they can take this “options counseling” and shove it up their fucking stupid asses, because it’s bullshit. If  they’re headlining this advertisement with a false statement that is not backed up by the information listed, I wouldn’t fucking trust these assholes to spell my name correctly, nonetheless try and counsel me on a major life decision.

So, let’s recap:

You're doing it wrong

You are doing it so, so wrong

Abortion, Ultrasound, Pregnancy Test and Counseling are NOT alternatives for one another. They are not alternatives for one another by any definition of the word “alternative” on any fucking planet in the universe. Next time you want to be ignorant, try to make it more subtle, because this is just painfully stupid.

Stop blocking the door or I will punch you

Every day, I ride the subway to and from work. Every day, I want to stab at least one person for pure idiocy. Every day, it gets harder to suppress that urge.

I always say that the worst part of public transportation is the public part. I’m positive I didn’t make that saying up, but it is SO TRUE. Putting a large number of people in a small space seems to lower everyone’s IQ exponentially, to the point of it being insufferable to anyone who takes ten seconds to notice. And you better believe that I have numerous specific issues with the way people behave on the subway.

First off, the people who block the doors for no good reason need to go to hell immediately. Right now. During rush hours, there are sometimes so many people in each subway car that it’s impossible to not be blocking the doors, so I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the people who get on in the middle of the day when there are SEATS FREE and decide that they really need to stop right in front of the door. Sometimes when there are still people behind them trying to get on the train. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, ASSHOLE. Even if you’re getting off at the next stop, the people behind you still need to get on the subway. And frankly, getting off at the next stop still isn’t a good enough excuse. Move the extra foot into the car and hold onto the pole. There are only signs everywhere that say DO NOT BLOCK THE DOORS and DO NOT LEAN ON THE DOORS. I didn’t realize so many people were fucking illiterate. I wonder how they even manage to navigate the subway if they can’t read. IT’S A FUCKING MYSTERY.

I mean, do they think that if the subway crashes or something, they’re going to magically survive because they were nearest to the door? Breaking news: If the subway were to crash, everyone would die. And if it just breaks down, everyone will be able to get off. SO THERE’S NO FUCKING POINT. Not to mention that if there were to be some kind of accident, you’d be better served standing near the doors at either end that you can (usually) slide open yourself. And yet I see more people blocking the other doors than those at the end of the cars. I just utterly fail to see any reasoning here except that these people are lazy, self-inflated assholes.

I draw that conclusion because 99% of the time, these people blocking the doors in a non-crowded subway won’t get out of the way for anyone, ever. Doesn’t matter if you’re getting on or off. They won’t even budge. And this just causes so much people traffic for NO FUCKING REASON. Is it really so important for you to stand in front of the door, even when the subway is stopped at a station, that you can’t move two feet to let everyone else on and off. Really? Is that location so coveted that you won’t even abandon it for the 30 seconds it takes for people to embark and disembark? You can’t just sit in one of the available seats? Or move to the center of the car and hold onto one of the numerous poles made available just for this purpose? No? You really need to stand there like an oblivious asshole? Then you better believe I’m going to hit you with every bag I’m holding as I enter/exit the train.

Anyone who blocks the door deserves to be shot in both kneecaps. Sadly, I do not own a gun.

But one of the biggest problems I have/see on the subway, which encompasses a lot of tiny qualms, is people who have no sense of the amount of space they are taking up. And this applies to people of all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, I’ll be sitting on one of the benches in a comfortable but not roomy way. There’s enough space between everyone on the bench that nobody is touching one another (a miracle!) but nobody is taking up two seats. This never lasts long. You better believe there is always someone who sees that “air” between people and asks everyone to squeeze together so their ass can sit. People, just because it looks like there is “space” doesn’t mean there actually is. I’ve seen people try to shove their kids on a bench where there just isn’t any room, and then suddenly the person next to me is practically sitting on my lap because some entitled asshole thought there was room for them on the bench. Now nobody’s comfortable, and I’m wondering what the fucking point was. Is it really such an effort for that asshole to stand that they need to make everyone else extremely uncomfortable so they can sit? They’d be better off just asking someone to give up their seat, because then they wouldn’t have five angry and uncomfortable people glaring at them. People come in all shapes and sizes, I know. But all of those shapes and sizes do not always fit well together spatially: sometimes it looks like there is a seat when really there isn’t. I just want people to be fucking aware of how much space they actually take up no matter what their size is. There are plenty of times when I avoid sitting on a bench because I think I might fit, but I’m not sure, and I don’t want to be that person that inconveniences everyone else for the sake of my laziness. It really is not that fucking hard to stand on the subway. And if you have a real reason for needing to sit (plenty of people have real problems, such as back issues, that aren’t immediately obvious), you really are better off politely (THAT IS THE KEY WORD) asking for a seat instead of making everyone grumpy and uncomfortable by squeezing in where you can’t fit.

Not to mention that in the summer, nothing is more gross than having a part of your bare arm come into contact with the bare arm of someone next to you, who is potentially sweaty. DO NOT WANT. And unfortunately, I am not able to voluntarily dislocate my shoulder, although more than once I’ve wished I could to avoid having some sweaty person come into contact with me when someone else shoves their ass where it doesn’t fit. STOP TRYING TO SIT WHERE YOU WON’T FIT, OKAY? IT IS NOT COMFORTABLE FOR ANYONE.

This problem with space also comes into play during rush hour. People can be packed in tight during rush hour, so you just need to expect to get knocked into. But at the same time, there are ways to minimize this. Of course, not many people seem to take that into consideration. For example: if you have a big bag, put it on the ground between your feet. Everyone is skinnier at their ankles than at their shoulders, so putting your bag down there SAVES SPACE and then you don’t have to be hitting me every ten seconds with your giant bag swinging off your shoulder during rush hour. Because I really want nothing more than to rip it off your arm and beat you to death with it. JUST PUT IT ON THE GROUND.

Then there are the people who move into the car to hold the poles in the middle, but stand their full arm’s length away from the pole. That makes it impossible for people to get around them, and also takes up extra space because nobody is going to stand in the space between them and the pole where their arm is. BEND YOUR FUCKING ELBOW, ASSHOLE, AND MOVE CLOSER TO THE POLE. During rush hour, this behavior is entirely unacceptable. STOP TAKING UP UNNECESSARY AMOUNTS OF SPACE.

The other space-related issue I have is what I call clustering. When the subway is moderately full, meaning all the benches are full but there’s plenty of standing room, there seems to be a strange phenomenon where all the people standing want to be near one another even if they’re all strangers. I HATE HATE HATE this, because I value my personal space very much. I adjust it for the situation (for example, during rush hours I know to expect little to no personal space), so when the subway isn’t crowded, I expect to have some fucking breathing room. And yet, Significant Other and I will often get on a subway at a busy-ish stop, go into the middle of the car so as not to be blocking the door, and suddenly everyone who boarded the train with us is standing all around us, while the rest of the car is fucking wide open. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? Trust me, I do not look like a friendly person. Nobody is going to be talking to me or trying to make friends. SO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. Usually, Significant Other and I will move to the empty areas of the subway car when this happens. But it’d be great if people didn’t feel compelled to cluster around me in the first fucking place when there’s no need to.

The final space-related issue I have is people who fall asleep on the subway and use their neighbors as pillows. Of course this is fine if your neighbor is someone you know. But man, the number of times I’ve been sitting next some stranger who nods off and then tries resting against my shoulder is RIDICULOUS AND UNACCEPTABLE. I don’t know you. You could have lice, or any number of diseases that I do not want. DO NOT PUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD ON MY SHOULDER. If you can’t manage to stay awake for a 20-minute subway ride, maybe you need to go to bed earlier or something. BUT DON’T PUT YOUR HEAD ON ME. Now, most the time it’s unintentional–they’re sleeping and can’t keep their head upright. But I don’t care. Don’t fucking fall asleep, because you know your head is going to fall forward or to either side. And I’m not just going to sit there and let it happen, because that’s fucking rude of you and I think it’s gross and creepy. I’ve been known to lean really far in the opposite direction (into Significant Other, not into a stranger) just to make sure some asshole’s head doesn’t touch me. My favorite is people who DO NOT TAKE THE HINT the first time they’re woken up by their head tilting to the side and continue to DOZE OFF AND TILT. KEEP YOUR FUCKING EYES OPEN, ASSHOLE. I AM NOT YOUR PILLOW.

Trust me when I say I have about a million more pet peeves when it comes to public transportation and the subway, but I’ll save those for another time. If I get even ONE PERSON to stop doing any of this shit, I will be happy. For five seconds. Before I start raging again.

Monthly Raging

June 2019
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